Thursday, 17 May 2012

Bad Times

It's not a good day today. Real life's being a bitch and I don't like it.

My grandma's been in hospital for the last 10 days. She's 98 and pretty frail these days, and so when she falls asleep in her chair at home and stays there all night by accident, bad things happen. She went to hospital with exhaustion and dizziness and a pulled back muscle, all of which meant she was unable to move around the house on her own and her already bird like appetite was diminished to nothing. The same thing happened last year and it completely knocked her on her ass.

Unfortunately, although she's been in hospital for nearly a week and a half, I didn't know that as my slightly frazzled dad forgot to tell me. He thought he had, I said I'd definitely have remembered that if so. I found out on Monday, when he said that she was also on the mend and due home any day now.

Last night I got a call from my dad, and I can tell you my heart sank. He doesn't normally call me unless we've not spoken for a good couple of weeks or something's wrong. I therefore really didn't want to have a conversation where the words, chest infection, oxygen and "not looking good" were mentioned. Who does want to hear that about a loved one?

There was nothing I could do last night, but I was scared when dad said that grandma was convinced she was going to die during the night, and immediately felt all the guilt of those who don't see their relatives as often as they should. Don't we all assume that they'll always be there as they always have?

Long story short, I've taken today off work and I'm back home to family this afternoon to see my grandma and find out what's going on. I'm desperately hoping that it's all a storm in a teacup and she's stronger today and she was just scared yesterday. I hate to think of her in there alone and frightened of what's ahead.

I also feel astoundingly guilty because last year, when I was in the depths of my debt despair and didn't know which way to turn to start getting out of the pit, I flippantly thought that if I only had an inheritance I could be straight out of trouble. I felt bad about even thinking it at the time, even in passing; now I realise fully what a price I'd have to pay to get it and there's no way it would be worth it.

I'm not religious, but even I thought last night that if there is a god out there, please look after my grandma and keep her safe.

In the meantime, I freely admit that I'm finding some comfort in this:

Just one piece, and that's my only treat today, but sometimes a small piece of chocolate oblivion is called for. Good job I saved all those activity points this week.

I sincerely hope I can be back with better news soon.

Treasure your families, both by blood and by choice, as sometimes you realise they might not always be there. Xx

- Posted from my iPhone

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry and hopefully, as you say, the situation is not as bad as first thought.

    I know what you're going through - we've had similar problems recently with my grandmother which have resulted her moving into care full time. And, just like you, those thoughts of inheritance do have a habit of flitting across my mind from time to time. It is human nature and you mustn't feel guilty about having those feelings. I just believe it's part of that self preservation reflex we all have - and is nothing to do with your feelings for your grandmother.

    Wishing you and yours well.