Holding My Breath

Right now I'm fantasising about food. I'm sat in my office, grumpy because it's after 5 on a Saturday afternoon and I've been here all day after already doing a full (read: looooooooong) week in the office, and all I can really think about is getting something to eat. Maybe Oreos from the vending machine.

I'm not particularly hungry - just grumpy. So why do I want food? I had an interesting conversation with my flatmate last night, regarding just this and we concluded that we both did exactly the same thing (she's trying to lose a bit of weight too) - when faced with a day where we've eaten quite well, we both look at the calories we have left in our tracker and think "well, I deserve that (insert "chocolate", "popcorn", treat of choice in here)". Funnily enough, we concluded, we never think "well, I have calories left - well done, I deserve that weight loss". Weird huh?

But it has got me thinking today that I really don't deserve that treat - what I deserve is a decent day's eating and giving my body the chance to divest itself of the weight I keep moaning about. So, at least for today, I'll stay away from any more treats and try and give myself a break.

And now on to the topic of today's post. I'm struggling a bit with my current dating situation and it took me until a day or so ago to be able to put a label on what was wrong. Things with The Boy are progressing, albeit slowly, and the other day I went over to his parents' house to have dinner with him. For various reasons he's staying at their house for a little, rather than his own flat in town, and since his folks are currently away - we took the opportunity for some peace and quiet in the country.

I knew their place was going to be pretty big but what I found was downright intimidating. I mean crazy massive. I already knew from previous conversations that his family was (very) wealthy but it's different hearing about it to seeing the reality. And the indoor pool. And the sauna. You get the idea.

And then there were all the photos inside this magazine-worthy house .... the perfect golden family displayed everywhere. Add that to what I already know of him and his life .... and I really don't get it. He's a successful creative and entrepreneur in his own right with a massive group of scarily cool friends, he's funny and sweet and clever with a bunch of life experiences I can't hope to match, and comes from this perfect family with a stupid amount of money. And did I mention I find him seriously cute?

So why the bloody hell, with all the possible girls out there, is he bothering. To. Date. Me????

Don't get me wrong - I know my own worth, but I just can't quite reason it out. I just feel ... inadequate ... for want of a better word. Not that he's made me feel that way ... that's all down to me. I'm competitive by nature, always comparing myself to peers (a very nasty habit indeed and one I advise avoiding) and I like to feel like an equal in my relationships, and I just don't really know what I'm bringing to the table on this one, I guess.

So I feel like I'm holding my breath, waiting for him to see that too.

We won't even go in to the embarrassing Pretty Woman moment when I was getting into my car on Thursday morning with wet hair and bare feet and their gardener wandered past and said "good morning". A. Different. World.

- Posted from my iPhone