I've been tracking with my new app on my phone now for 3 days, and it's certainly making me think. Reframing everything in terms of calories and fat, instead of points, means I'm having to relearn it all from scratch. Oddly enough, I feel like I'm eating tons though, and I keep questioning whether I'm doing it right. So far, I've managed a decent deficit on both days, even with impromptu dinner out and drinks last night. I'll have a weigh-in on Sunday, the last morning before I go on holiday, and we'll see if it's doing me any good. That will be the best part of a week since I started so should be a good-ish indication of how it's going.
I'm feeling a wee bit terrified today - for the first time ever I've 'fessed up to someone I really like how I feel about them, without the safety blanket of knowing they definitely like me back. I feel pretty exposed and out there, and it's not at all comfortable but I decided to take the risk anyway. I guess I'll update on here how that goes when I've found out myself. He did text me back earlier to say he'd speak to me tonight (as he is apparently moving house today and doesn't have time to breathe), but I couldn't really tell from the tone of the message which way it was going to go.
It's silly really as I'm sure this is something that everyone else has been doing since they were 16, but as I've said before I kept myself so emotionally locked away for years that I'm very behind on the whole relationship / emotion / talking to people roller coaster.
So yeah - that's sort of me right now. Looking forward to a week off next week and time away with my girls, whatever happens with the boy. Maybe I'll take some time on the beach next week to figure out my itchy feet thing and think about what I want to do, or what I think is missing, so I can get on a do something about it. It's always the not knowing that kills me!!!
- Posted from my iPhone
Thursday, 31 May 2012
Tuesday, 29 May 2012
Restless
All my itchy feet, restless, going-to-explode feelings are back at the moment. I'm not quite sure why they've struck now, but struck they have.
Suddenly visions of a life more exciting or exotic than mine seem to swim tantalisingly before my eyes, with a perplexing mix of this-can-never-be-yours and make-a-rash-decision feelings floating around them.
The last time I felt like this was 2010, when I had my pre-30 crisis and ended up purchasing tickets to Costa Rica on a whim (and my credit card), jacking in my job, going traveling for a month and coming back to a new job and a new city. Not that that didn't work out well for me, but it was a little drastic.
I don't know if I've just got an accumulation of holiday longings and have seen too many of other people's Facebook photos at the moment and that's what's triggering it, but I have the distinct impression that I should be doing something more with my life, and that I need to stop fannying around and just get on with it.
Probably not helped by the fact that I'm currently obsessing over a boy I can't have (which is doing my head in, all on its own,since I loathe doing the girly obsessive thing and want to reclaim my headspace as my own), who just happens to be a successful graphic designer working for himself and with enough money to jet off on amazing holidays or work abroad when he fancies it.
Meh - sucks.
In other news, the weekend was .... ok ... for food. I'd have liked it to be better still, but I still made some good choices. However, in need of a shake-up, I've decided to try tracking my food a slightly different way for the next week or so and see if that can help me refocus. Maybe if I don't just do it on autopilot, and I can see the actual calories and fat involved, it will help me a bit.
So I'm using an online calorie tracker to keep tabs on all my nutritional info. First day today and I feel like I ate loads. Including a Gu key lime pie for dessert after dinner, and I've still got a 500 calorie deficit below my "recommended" one. So apparently I've managed to create a deficit of around 1300 calories today (my maintenance allowance is 2500, I ate 2000, and burned an extra 800 from exercise today). I'm not sure that feels quite right, but I've certainly eaten well today so we'll see how it goes.
Oh - and completely randomly - we saw Hugh Grant in the pub on Croyde on Saturday!!
Over and out.
- Posted from my iPhone
Suddenly visions of a life more exciting or exotic than mine seem to swim tantalisingly before my eyes, with a perplexing mix of this-can-never-be-yours and make-a-rash-decision feelings floating around them.
The last time I felt like this was 2010, when I had my pre-30 crisis and ended up purchasing tickets to Costa Rica on a whim (and my credit card), jacking in my job, going traveling for a month and coming back to a new job and a new city. Not that that didn't work out well for me, but it was a little drastic.
I don't know if I've just got an accumulation of holiday longings and have seen too many of other people's Facebook photos at the moment and that's what's triggering it, but I have the distinct impression that I should be doing something more with my life, and that I need to stop fannying around and just get on with it.
Probably not helped by the fact that I'm currently obsessing over a boy I can't have (which is doing my head in, all on its own,since I loathe doing the girly obsessive thing and want to reclaim my headspace as my own), who just happens to be a successful graphic designer working for himself and with enough money to jet off on amazing holidays or work abroad when he fancies it.
Meh - sucks.
In other news, the weekend was .... ok ... for food. I'd have liked it to be better still, but I still made some good choices. However, in need of a shake-up, I've decided to try tracking my food a slightly different way for the next week or so and see if that can help me refocus. Maybe if I don't just do it on autopilot, and I can see the actual calories and fat involved, it will help me a bit.
So I'm using an online calorie tracker to keep tabs on all my nutritional info. First day today and I feel like I ate loads. Including a Gu key lime pie for dessert after dinner, and I've still got a 500 calorie deficit below my "recommended" one. So apparently I've managed to create a deficit of around 1300 calories today (my maintenance allowance is 2500, I ate 2000, and burned an extra 800 from exercise today). I'm not sure that feels quite right, but I've certainly eaten well today so we'll see how it goes.
Oh - and completely randomly - we saw Hugh Grant in the pub on Croyde on Saturday!!
Over and out.
- Posted from my iPhone
Friday, 25 May 2012
An Even Keel
As expected, I got a gain this morning. Whilst I obviously was a little disappointed, I was also realistic, and besides, I already had a revised strategy planned and waiting in the wings.
There is a quote, often attributed to Albert Einstein, that I really like: "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".
It occurred to me yesterday that that is exactly what I'm currently doing. I try the same eating habits, patterns and behaviours each week and get nowhere. Which would sort of suggest it's time to end the insanity and get a new strategy.
For the last couple of weeks I've made a real effort with my eating and have pulled a lot of the habits and recipes out of the closet that I used in 2009 when I was losing weight. It has certainly stopped the upward spiral, but now I'm stuck in a loop where I lose a bit, gain a bit. So something crucial is clearly still different from that recipe for success.
The one thing I can pinpoint as different is the plan itself. When I started on Weightwatchers in 2009, the plan was a straightforward allowance of points each day - every day the same, no extra flex "allowances". When I lost weight again in 2010, the plan was still the same. Late 2010, they changed it, effectively lowering your daily points (although of course in the new system it looked like more, but food was a higher "cost" of points to counteract that), and giving everybody a lump sum of points on top each week.
I will be clear now - THIS DOES NOT WORK FOR ME. It just doesn't.
Weekends have always been my weak spot, and since I start my tracking week on a Friday, having those unalloyed points just floating is like an invitation to go loopy on the weekend. 49 points sounds like a lot, but really isn't. On top of that, I over-indulge on the weekend and then spend the week on the lowest rations Weightwatchers allows to try and recoup it. And usually failing.
When they initially switched to the new plan, there was an option to allocate your weekly allowance on a daily basis instead. I spent ages looking yesterday, trying to see how you do it, and it looks like that option has now been removed, but even I can do the mental arithmetic required to divide 49 points by 7.
So here's my new tactic - and it's really very simple, but I'm curious to know if it will help - I'm allocating myself a flat 36 points a day, and no weekly flex. I struggle to stick to 29, which is my current allocation, and constantly feel like I'm denying myself stuff to keep to it. By allowing myself more in the week, I'm hoping I'll be more comfortable. On the weekends, I won't have a crazy unallocated allowance which I'll feel I can blow all one go - I'm hoping this will help focus me on just eating my daily plus and activity.
And if this fails, then I don't know where I go next, but I'll give this a bloody good shot first before I worry about that.
Aside from food, I got another hour of good dusty single track in last night on my poor neglected bike. My quads were sore as I left the house, after successive days of fairly intense activity, but by about half way round they were feeling a bit easier and I was flowing a bit better. I've decided that my poor bike needs a bit of TLC though as she's still skipping like a bitch in some gears, and I have a feeling the chain sets are all completely shagged. Boooo. So I'm off the Specialised shop on the way home (conveniently right on my walk home) to see of they can book her in for a look. Because I think I just fell in love with biking again and I want to get out there a bit more.
Brutally hot circuits in the gym in 15 mins, then away during with the club this weekend at Croyde and Saunton - yay!!!!
So back to 12st 4lbs, but maybe all the exercise is paying off as my friend Kate said last night that she thought I was getting smaller everytime she saw me ... toning from all the circuits maybe? Or just a dirty tan??? :-)
- Posted from my iPhone
There is a quote, often attributed to Albert Einstein, that I really like: "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".
It occurred to me yesterday that that is exactly what I'm currently doing. I try the same eating habits, patterns and behaviours each week and get nowhere. Which would sort of suggest it's time to end the insanity and get a new strategy.
For the last couple of weeks I've made a real effort with my eating and have pulled a lot of the habits and recipes out of the closet that I used in 2009 when I was losing weight. It has certainly stopped the upward spiral, but now I'm stuck in a loop where I lose a bit, gain a bit. So something crucial is clearly still different from that recipe for success.
The one thing I can pinpoint as different is the plan itself. When I started on Weightwatchers in 2009, the plan was a straightforward allowance of points each day - every day the same, no extra flex "allowances". When I lost weight again in 2010, the plan was still the same. Late 2010, they changed it, effectively lowering your daily points (although of course in the new system it looked like more, but food was a higher "cost" of points to counteract that), and giving everybody a lump sum of points on top each week.
I will be clear now - THIS DOES NOT WORK FOR ME. It just doesn't.
Weekends have always been my weak spot, and since I start my tracking week on a Friday, having those unalloyed points just floating is like an invitation to go loopy on the weekend. 49 points sounds like a lot, but really isn't. On top of that, I over-indulge on the weekend and then spend the week on the lowest rations Weightwatchers allows to try and recoup it. And usually failing.
When they initially switched to the new plan, there was an option to allocate your weekly allowance on a daily basis instead. I spent ages looking yesterday, trying to see how you do it, and it looks like that option has now been removed, but even I can do the mental arithmetic required to divide 49 points by 7.
So here's my new tactic - and it's really very simple, but I'm curious to know if it will help - I'm allocating myself a flat 36 points a day, and no weekly flex. I struggle to stick to 29, which is my current allocation, and constantly feel like I'm denying myself stuff to keep to it. By allowing myself more in the week, I'm hoping I'll be more comfortable. On the weekends, I won't have a crazy unallocated allowance which I'll feel I can blow all one go - I'm hoping this will help focus me on just eating my daily plus and activity.
And if this fails, then I don't know where I go next, but I'll give this a bloody good shot first before I worry about that.
Aside from food, I got another hour of good dusty single track in last night on my poor neglected bike. My quads were sore as I left the house, after successive days of fairly intense activity, but by about half way round they were feeling a bit easier and I was flowing a bit better. I've decided that my poor bike needs a bit of TLC though as she's still skipping like a bitch in some gears, and I have a feeling the chain sets are all completely shagged. Boooo. So I'm off the Specialised shop on the way home (conveniently right on my walk home) to see of they can book her in for a look. Because I think I just fell in love with biking again and I want to get out there a bit more.
Brutally hot circuits in the gym in 15 mins, then away during with the club this weekend at Croyde and Saunton - yay!!!!
So back to 12st 4lbs, but maybe all the exercise is paying off as my friend Kate said last night that she thought I was getting smaller everytime she saw me ... toning from all the circuits maybe? Or just a dirty tan??? :-)
- Posted from my iPhone
Thursday, 24 May 2012
Frustrated and Sore
I have to admit it, my ongoing battle with the scales is wearing me down. They just WILL. NOT. BLOODY. MOVE.
Or at least not in the direction I'd like them too. I've making a real effort for the last 3 weeks solid now, and I'm pretty much stuck exactly where I was.
I just don't get why this new Weightwatchers doesn't seem to work for me when the old one did. But it's definitely depressing me.
Add to that, that I'm sore all over from what's been an active week (circuits on Friday, mountain-biking on Sat, Body Balance on Monday, circuits again Tuesday, and surfing last night), and addled soreness from the joy of period pain, and I'm pretty darn grumpy.
I'm all set for a gain tomorrow I think, on top of the gain last week which I thought was just a timing thing. It would seem, that unless I stop having any life at all I can't get any kind of loss.
I know I'm whining, but I'm trying to figure out how to get back where I was with my weight and make it for with the life I live. I already drink significantly less than my flatmates, and lot of my friends, and I skip some meals out / nights out to try and stay on track. There must be a compromise here somewhere.
Aside from the whining, surfing last night was lovely. I actually took the afternoon off work to be lazy, but I could have left the office later and still got some waves. It wasn't the best surf conditions ever, but you can't beat an evening spent in the sun, in the ocean.
I had a bit of a freak-out when I got to the beach, as I driven down on my own, and it was the first time I'd ever been surfing simple rely on my own, and it was a new beach for me too. It was busy with lots of young super-fit surfer types running round, all seeming to know each other, and I suddenly felt way out of my depth. I sat in the sun-warmed car and read for about 40 mins, waiting to see of anyone I knew from the club would turn up, and then told myself to MTFU at 5pm and get on with it, or I'd miss the waves.
Of course, sods law, as soon as I was half-way into my wetsuit, Roger from the surf club drive past, yelled hello and parked up next to me. Then just as I was getting my bits together, Jane walked past with her board and waited for me, so we surfed together as we're about the same level. As we walked down together to the beach, Mark and Sarah passed us heading back to their car and said hey. It was the same when we got out, Neil was at his van and waved us over, and then another 3 club members piled up in their car and parked next to mine to say hi. After being scared by all those "local" surfers who knew each other, I'd ended up knowing 8 people there myself!
I'm off biking for a bit tonight (although very gently with my sore muscles), and I'm not giving up the fight yet, but I need to figure out how I'm going to make this work for me.
Enjoy the sun, people!!
- Posted from my iPhone
Or at least not in the direction I'd like them too. I've making a real effort for the last 3 weeks solid now, and I'm pretty much stuck exactly where I was.
I just don't get why this new Weightwatchers doesn't seem to work for me when the old one did. But it's definitely depressing me.
Add to that, that I'm sore all over from what's been an active week (circuits on Friday, mountain-biking on Sat, Body Balance on Monday, circuits again Tuesday, and surfing last night), and addled soreness from the joy of period pain, and I'm pretty darn grumpy.
I'm all set for a gain tomorrow I think, on top of the gain last week which I thought was just a timing thing. It would seem, that unless I stop having any life at all I can't get any kind of loss.
I know I'm whining, but I'm trying to figure out how to get back where I was with my weight and make it for with the life I live. I already drink significantly less than my flatmates, and lot of my friends, and I skip some meals out / nights out to try and stay on track. There must be a compromise here somewhere.
Aside from the whining, surfing last night was lovely. I actually took the afternoon off work to be lazy, but I could have left the office later and still got some waves. It wasn't the best surf conditions ever, but you can't beat an evening spent in the sun, in the ocean.
I had a bit of a freak-out when I got to the beach, as I driven down on my own, and it was the first time I'd ever been surfing simple rely on my own, and it was a new beach for me too. It was busy with lots of young super-fit surfer types running round, all seeming to know each other, and I suddenly felt way out of my depth. I sat in the sun-warmed car and read for about 40 mins, waiting to see of anyone I knew from the club would turn up, and then told myself to MTFU at 5pm and get on with it, or I'd miss the waves.
Of course, sods law, as soon as I was half-way into my wetsuit, Roger from the surf club drive past, yelled hello and parked up next to me. Then just as I was getting my bits together, Jane walked past with her board and waited for me, so we surfed together as we're about the same level. As we walked down together to the beach, Mark and Sarah passed us heading back to their car and said hey. It was the same when we got out, Neil was at his van and waved us over, and then another 3 club members piled up in their car and parked next to mine to say hi. After being scared by all those "local" surfers who knew each other, I'd ended up knowing 8 people there myself!
I'm off biking for a bit tonight (although very gently with my sore muscles), and I'm not giving up the fight yet, but I need to figure out how I'm going to make this work for me.
Enjoy the sun, people!!
- Posted from my iPhone
Tuesday, 22 May 2012
So Where Are We Now?
This week finds me, surprisingly, in a not terrible position on my food-tracking and activity. This weekend could have been a little bit tighter but, on the whole, I'm doing it right.
It's a just a shame that in nearly two and a bit weeks of "doing it right" the scales have failed to catch my drift and do anything correspondingly "right". But as we all know - you can control yourself but you can't control the scales.
Following on from my early night on Friday, I had a lovely long lie-in on Saturday morning and then allowed myself to get persuaded into something I haven't done for ages ... mountain-biking!!!!
I can't believe it's been nearly a year since I went near any single-track - the shame of it!!!! Somehow, I got distracted with surfing last summer and then running over the winter and then there was the Great Protracted House Move and, well, now it's NOW somehow and I've not been on my bike. Saturday was perfect though our friend Lynsay was trying out a shiny new.bike she had on test, and Craig and Sam were looking to take it fairly easy so the plan was some easy circuits of Leigh Woods and Ashton Court in the afternoon.
It's soooo easy for me to get over there now ... Just a nice easy peddle through Clifton Village and over the suspension bridge and turn right into the woods. I'd not been up there at all since all the trails got relaid last year and it was great - fast and flowy through the woods with a little skills circuit built in half way round. In the end I was content with 2 laps of Leigh Woods and 3 times round the skills circuits. The only thing I'd missed out by the end was the largest of the drop offs which was a bit beyond me at what looked like nearly 2ft of vertical drop or so (anyway to me it looked too big for me to safely attempt), but I did get down the biggest off the slab descents which I was pretty proud of! I probably could have gone on for a lap of Ashton Court with Lynsay and Craig but my legs were starting to feel it by then so I quit while I was ahead.
Saturday night we BBQ'd and I managed not to go too crazy and Sunday was another hospital visit to see my grandma and a roast in the evening .... again, I don't think I did too badly.
I'm aching quite a lot today after yesterday's yoga session, but it's looking set to be an active week with circuits on a minute, surfing tomorrow afternoon (too good to resist with the sun and the waves coming back at the same time after several week's absence) and then I'm intending to head back to the woods and Ashton Court with the bike on Thursday evening either with a friend or on my own.
I love the summer!!!
- Posted from my iPhone
It's a just a shame that in nearly two and a bit weeks of "doing it right" the scales have failed to catch my drift and do anything correspondingly "right". But as we all know - you can control yourself but you can't control the scales.
Following on from my early night on Friday, I had a lovely long lie-in on Saturday morning and then allowed myself to get persuaded into something I haven't done for ages ... mountain-biking!!!!
I can't believe it's been nearly a year since I went near any single-track - the shame of it!!!! Somehow, I got distracted with surfing last summer and then running over the winter and then there was the Great Protracted House Move and, well, now it's NOW somehow and I've not been on my bike. Saturday was perfect though our friend Lynsay was trying out a shiny new.bike she had on test, and Craig and Sam were looking to take it fairly easy so the plan was some easy circuits of Leigh Woods and Ashton Court in the afternoon.
It's soooo easy for me to get over there now ... Just a nice easy peddle through Clifton Village and over the suspension bridge and turn right into the woods. I'd not been up there at all since all the trails got relaid last year and it was great - fast and flowy through the woods with a little skills circuit built in half way round. In the end I was content with 2 laps of Leigh Woods and 3 times round the skills circuits. The only thing I'd missed out by the end was the largest of the drop offs which was a bit beyond me at what looked like nearly 2ft of vertical drop or so (anyway to me it looked too big for me to safely attempt), but I did get down the biggest off the slab descents which I was pretty proud of! I probably could have gone on for a lap of Ashton Court with Lynsay and Craig but my legs were starting to feel it by then so I quit while I was ahead.
Saturday night we BBQ'd and I managed not to go too crazy and Sunday was another hospital visit to see my grandma and a roast in the evening .... again, I don't think I did too badly.
I'm aching quite a lot today after yesterday's yoga session, but it's looking set to be an active week with circuits on a minute, surfing tomorrow afternoon (too good to resist with the sun and the waves coming back at the same time after several week's absence) and then I'm intending to head back to the woods and Ashton Court with the bike on Thursday evening either with a friend or on my own.
I love the summer!!!
- Posted from my iPhone
Friday, 18 May 2012
Good News and Holidays
Phew! Just colour me relieved. It seems like my Grandma has in fact bounced back, and just scared us to make sure we were all still on the ball.
After Wednesday night's doom-and-gloom call, I really wasn't sure what to expect when I arrived at the hospital with Dad on Thursday. I was expecting tubes and monitors at the least, but Grandma was propped up in bed and completely with it when we arrived, and totally tube-free. The doctor, who had been 3 times the previous day with a colleague accompanying him, had been in just once in the morning and proclaimed the chest infection had passed.
Although frighteningly small and frail, she seemed bright and awake, although a little tired at times, and chattered away quite happily for an hour and a half or so. Having said that, she nearly had me in tears as she said that she'd been too scared to go to sleep the night before in case she didn't wake up again, as she still had legal affairs she wanted to put in order, and so she'd spent the previous night counting the ceiling tiles to stay awake. It's horrible to think of someone being alone (she's in a private room) and terrified they're about to die. She then calmly said that now her affairs were in order she didn't mind anymore if she went to sleep and didn't wake up - huge lump in my throat at that.
What worries me is that, although she is one hell of a fighter, she's barely eating anything any more. Her appetite has been dwindling for some time now to bird-sized, but it seems she now has an aversion to any sweet foods, or anything that has to be chewed as her throat is constantly dry and she starts coughing very easily. The poor nurse doing the dinners while we were there was in and out multiple times to try and make my grandma satisfied, as she didn't want what was on offer and wanted the vegetable soup that had been on offer at lunchtime - luckily the nurse was very accomodating and went to track some down and heat it fresh for Grandma, who then proceeded to demand salt and pepper and (politely of course!). In the end, she only ate half the not-very-big portion before starting to cough and saying she'd had enough. I suspect she's eating two half-bowls of soup a day and something very small for breakfast, and I'd estimate she's not getting much more than 500-600 calories a day inside her, which isn't really enough. The nursing staff try to tempt her with more, and are trying to get her to drink the protein / calorie shakes for extras, but her anti-sweet feelings are making it pretty difficult for them.
Despite my worries though, Dad said that today she'd been even better still, and had actually made it out of her bed, with help, to move to and from the bathroom which is a huge step forward. So that's one bit of good news.
In other good news, I've finally got a holiday booked, and in just two short weeks I'm nipping off on a 5 day jaunt to Majorca with Jo and Lissa (of Costa Rica travelling fame, and back even further to Croatia if you've been hanging around that long)! It's the first holiday abroad I've had since the great travelling expedition of 2010, and the first time in I-can't-remember-how-long that I've actually been able to pay for a holiday up front without the aid of credit cards, thanks to my newly organised finances. I'm very, very excited as I'm craving sun and warmth and a complete wind-down at the moment, and this should fit the bill very nicely. 5 nights, 6 days of All Inclusive pampering at a spa hotel just outside Alcudia. It's not our more usual action-packed adventure, but we're all run-down right now, so it fits the bill perfectly. And there are bikes to hire, walks to explore and pools and cystal blue sea to be swum in if our energy is restored before the end of the holiday. Woooohoooo!
Which brings me to my last point: weigh-in today. Up a tiny bit on last week, just under half a lb. This is actually not a terrible thing, as I have eaten well all week, even if a few exercise sessions got missed due to unforeseen circumstances (long lunch meetings and hospital dashes). I also had fish and chips last night, which is I think is why I didn't have a loss. I hadn't intended to have a second treat yesterday, after the amazing Rocky Road in the morning, but we were back much later than expected from the hospital, starving hungry and there wasn't anything quick to cook in the house. Dad and I each had a mini fish and shared a large portion of chips between us. We didn't even finish all the chips though, and even after I'd finished my first plate and had a few extra chips, there was still virtually a third left, so I wrapped them up and chucked them in the bin before I could do something stupid like eat them. Due to all my activity points I'd saved last week, I didn't even go into negative points. So, you see, I'm not too upset about this morning's weight.
I ate a bit more than I'd have liked today, but after driving back from Dad's this morning and then grabbing a shower at home and legging it to work, I still managed to squeeze in circuits at lunch. I met my flatmates after work for drinks and dinner, but did pretty well, I think - I had a short cocktail and then diet Coke or water to drink, and stopped when I was full with my pizza and didn't push for dessert. After that, I was actually so shattered that I left the others to go boozing and snuck off in a taxi home.
After all - only 2 weeks to go until the first beach-bikini-bearing of the year .... best make the most of them!
After Wednesday night's doom-and-gloom call, I really wasn't sure what to expect when I arrived at the hospital with Dad on Thursday. I was expecting tubes and monitors at the least, but Grandma was propped up in bed and completely with it when we arrived, and totally tube-free. The doctor, who had been 3 times the previous day with a colleague accompanying him, had been in just once in the morning and proclaimed the chest infection had passed.
Although frighteningly small and frail, she seemed bright and awake, although a little tired at times, and chattered away quite happily for an hour and a half or so. Having said that, she nearly had me in tears as she said that she'd been too scared to go to sleep the night before in case she didn't wake up again, as she still had legal affairs she wanted to put in order, and so she'd spent the previous night counting the ceiling tiles to stay awake. It's horrible to think of someone being alone (she's in a private room) and terrified they're about to die. She then calmly said that now her affairs were in order she didn't mind anymore if she went to sleep and didn't wake up - huge lump in my throat at that.
What worries me is that, although she is one hell of a fighter, she's barely eating anything any more. Her appetite has been dwindling for some time now to bird-sized, but it seems she now has an aversion to any sweet foods, or anything that has to be chewed as her throat is constantly dry and she starts coughing very easily. The poor nurse doing the dinners while we were there was in and out multiple times to try and make my grandma satisfied, as she didn't want what was on offer and wanted the vegetable soup that had been on offer at lunchtime - luckily the nurse was very accomodating and went to track some down and heat it fresh for Grandma, who then proceeded to demand salt and pepper and (politely of course!). In the end, she only ate half the not-very-big portion before starting to cough and saying she'd had enough. I suspect she's eating two half-bowls of soup a day and something very small for breakfast, and I'd estimate she's not getting much more than 500-600 calories a day inside her, which isn't really enough. The nursing staff try to tempt her with more, and are trying to get her to drink the protein / calorie shakes for extras, but her anti-sweet feelings are making it pretty difficult for them.
Despite my worries though, Dad said that today she'd been even better still, and had actually made it out of her bed, with help, to move to and from the bathroom which is a huge step forward. So that's one bit of good news.
In other good news, I've finally got a holiday booked, and in just two short weeks I'm nipping off on a 5 day jaunt to Majorca with Jo and Lissa (of Costa Rica travelling fame, and back even further to Croatia if you've been hanging around that long)! It's the first holiday abroad I've had since the great travelling expedition of 2010, and the first time in I-can't-remember-how-long that I've actually been able to pay for a holiday up front without the aid of credit cards, thanks to my newly organised finances. I'm very, very excited as I'm craving sun and warmth and a complete wind-down at the moment, and this should fit the bill very nicely. 5 nights, 6 days of All Inclusive pampering at a spa hotel just outside Alcudia. It's not our more usual action-packed adventure, but we're all run-down right now, so it fits the bill perfectly. And there are bikes to hire, walks to explore and pools and cystal blue sea to be swum in if our energy is restored before the end of the holiday. Woooohoooo!
Which brings me to my last point: weigh-in today. Up a tiny bit on last week, just under half a lb. This is actually not a terrible thing, as I have eaten well all week, even if a few exercise sessions got missed due to unforeseen circumstances (long lunch meetings and hospital dashes). I also had fish and chips last night, which is I think is why I didn't have a loss. I hadn't intended to have a second treat yesterday, after the amazing Rocky Road in the morning, but we were back much later than expected from the hospital, starving hungry and there wasn't anything quick to cook in the house. Dad and I each had a mini fish and shared a large portion of chips between us. We didn't even finish all the chips though, and even after I'd finished my first plate and had a few extra chips, there was still virtually a third left, so I wrapped them up and chucked them in the bin before I could do something stupid like eat them. Due to all my activity points I'd saved last week, I didn't even go into negative points. So, you see, I'm not too upset about this morning's weight.
I ate a bit more than I'd have liked today, but after driving back from Dad's this morning and then grabbing a shower at home and legging it to work, I still managed to squeeze in circuits at lunch. I met my flatmates after work for drinks and dinner, but did pretty well, I think - I had a short cocktail and then diet Coke or water to drink, and stopped when I was full with my pizza and didn't push for dessert. After that, I was actually so shattered that I left the others to go boozing and snuck off in a taxi home.
After all - only 2 weeks to go until the first beach-bikini-bearing of the year .... best make the most of them!
Thursday, 17 May 2012
Bad Times
It's not a good day today. Real life's being a bitch and I don't like it.
My grandma's been in hospital for the last 10 days. She's 98 and pretty frail these days, and so when she falls asleep in her chair at home and stays there all night by accident, bad things happen. She went to hospital with exhaustion and dizziness and a pulled back muscle, all of which meant she was unable to move around the house on her own and her already bird like appetite was diminished to nothing. The same thing happened last year and it completely knocked her on her ass.
Unfortunately, although she's been in hospital for nearly a week and a half, I didn't know that as my slightly frazzled dad forgot to tell me. He thought he had, I said I'd definitely have remembered that if so. I found out on Monday, when he said that she was also on the mend and due home any day now.
Last night I got a call from my dad, and I can tell you my heart sank. He doesn't normally call me unless we've not spoken for a good couple of weeks or something's wrong. I therefore really didn't want to have a conversation where the words, chest infection, oxygen and "not looking good" were mentioned. Who does want to hear that about a loved one?
There was nothing I could do last night, but I was scared when dad said that grandma was convinced she was going to die during the night, and immediately felt all the guilt of those who don't see their relatives as often as they should. Don't we all assume that they'll always be there as they always have?
Long story short, I've taken today off work and I'm back home to family this afternoon to see my grandma and find out what's going on. I'm desperately hoping that it's all a storm in a teacup and she's stronger today and she was just scared yesterday. I hate to think of her in there alone and frightened of what's ahead.
I also feel astoundingly guilty because last year, when I was in the depths of my debt despair and didn't know which way to turn to start getting out of the pit, I flippantly thought that if I only had an inheritance I could be straight out of trouble. I felt bad about even thinking it at the time, even in passing; now I realise fully what a price I'd have to pay to get it and there's no way it would be worth it.
I'm not religious, but even I thought last night that if there is a god out there, please look after my grandma and keep her safe.
In the meantime, I freely admit that I'm finding some comfort in this:
Just one piece, and that's my only treat today, but sometimes a small piece of chocolate oblivion is called for. Good job I saved all those activity points this week.
I sincerely hope I can be back with better news soon.
Treasure your families, both by blood and by choice, as sometimes you realise they might not always be there. Xx
- Posted from my iPhone
My grandma's been in hospital for the last 10 days. She's 98 and pretty frail these days, and so when she falls asleep in her chair at home and stays there all night by accident, bad things happen. She went to hospital with exhaustion and dizziness and a pulled back muscle, all of which meant she was unable to move around the house on her own and her already bird like appetite was diminished to nothing. The same thing happened last year and it completely knocked her on her ass.
Unfortunately, although she's been in hospital for nearly a week and a half, I didn't know that as my slightly frazzled dad forgot to tell me. He thought he had, I said I'd definitely have remembered that if so. I found out on Monday, when he said that she was also on the mend and due home any day now.
Last night I got a call from my dad, and I can tell you my heart sank. He doesn't normally call me unless we've not spoken for a good couple of weeks or something's wrong. I therefore really didn't want to have a conversation where the words, chest infection, oxygen and "not looking good" were mentioned. Who does want to hear that about a loved one?
There was nothing I could do last night, but I was scared when dad said that grandma was convinced she was going to die during the night, and immediately felt all the guilt of those who don't see their relatives as often as they should. Don't we all assume that they'll always be there as they always have?
Long story short, I've taken today off work and I'm back home to family this afternoon to see my grandma and find out what's going on. I'm desperately hoping that it's all a storm in a teacup and she's stronger today and she was just scared yesterday. I hate to think of her in there alone and frightened of what's ahead.
I also feel astoundingly guilty because last year, when I was in the depths of my debt despair and didn't know which way to turn to start getting out of the pit, I flippantly thought that if I only had an inheritance I could be straight out of trouble. I felt bad about even thinking it at the time, even in passing; now I realise fully what a price I'd have to pay to get it and there's no way it would be worth it.
I'm not religious, but even I thought last night that if there is a god out there, please look after my grandma and keep her safe.
In the meantime, I freely admit that I'm finding some comfort in this:
Just one piece, and that's my only treat today, but sometimes a small piece of chocolate oblivion is called for. Good job I saved all those activity points this week.
I sincerely hope I can be back with better news soon.
Treasure your families, both by blood and by choice, as sometimes you realise they might not always be there. Xx
- Posted from my iPhone
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